Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Max Aswell Speaks

Good evening – My name is Max Aswell. My master is Abe or Digger, actually his name changes depending on what he is up to. Before we go too far down this tale, I would like to explain my name for those who are a little slow in word speak. It is pronounced Max-As-well. Do you get it now? OMG come on, am I talking to a bunch of duffers? Okay, I will explain it for the slow ones in the group. Before me there was a different Max but he was just plain Max. There came a time when just plain Max passed on to Max-world. I came to Abe’s house about a month later. I was just a pup but Abe says I look just like first Max. So, Abe calls me Max Aswell. Now that is my formal name for weddings, legal papers and such, normally Abe just calls me Max.
One of my first memories was when Grayquill came to visit. I remember looking up and seeing his hairy face. I thought he looked really old. Recently he shaved and now he only has a mustache, the wrinkles are appalling; he’s older and uglier than I thought. I really don’t like Grayquill all that well. He always takes my chair when he comes over and he calls me Maxine (Grayquill is so mean). I think he does it just to bug me. I would bite him but I don’t want to dishonor my master. The other reason he bugs me is he steals all of my master’s ideas. I think Grayquill might be a bit slow he can’t seem to think up anything on his own – maybe I should feel sorry for him.
One of the more famous thievery ideas he stole was valentine’s presents for his kids. My master thought this up and let it slip; Grayquill didn’t even blink when he stole it. Since I am about to tell you this idea I guess you can use it – apparently Grayquill’s kids remember this Valentine’s Day with fond memories. Go to your local bakery and buy as many large loaves of French bread as you have kids. Turn the bread upside down cut the bottom out. Dig out most of the doughy bread from the inside of the loaf. Now fill the inside of the loaf with candy and place the bottom piece back on the bottom of the loaf. Tell your kids the economic times have been tough and the only valentines present you could afford was a loaf of bread. I guess when Grayquill did this his one daughter cried. Now, personally I think any idea that makes little children cry is horrible but Grayquill apparently doesn’t care all that much about his kid’s feelings. Come to think about it the next time he comes over I am going to bite him on the ankle.
Stay tuned I might be back – I’m not sure if I am finished yet. I might have more to say when Grayquill’s not paying attention. Something happened just today I can’t wait to tell you. You won’t believe it.


Blunt Edges said...

hahahaha...the adventures of maxine...err max aswell ;)

n he sure doesn't like grayquill much...better be a bit conscious of the ankle when u r around him ;)

Bill S. said...

Great stories. Thanks for visiting mine and then I went to yours and enjoyed reading your posts. Brought back memories with my four daughters.

Arkansas Patti said...

You old chair stealer, be careful of your ankles.
Really enjoyed Max and hope you let him hit the computer again. Fun post.

Dianne said...

Hey Max!! I like your style ;)

I wouldn't bite the old man's ankles though, you seem like a peaceful guy

Maybe you could leave a little something in the chair he steals

Peggy said...

Thanks Max for visiting my blog yesterday. I remember seeing your comments on Sylvia's Blog.
I just love her and her blog is brillant! She blogs almost everyday and is an inspiration to me.
I love Max Aswell..I had to put my lab to sleep last year and have missed her everyday.
Now watch your ankles for the next few days,I have heard that there might be an attack from outside sources soon! : )

Tall Guy said...

That was good!!

Anonymous said...

@Max Aswell
You are so gorgeous! Don't you hate it when people talk to your kind in that funny baby language? My neighbors dog Lucy told me just how very irritating that is..

You know what? There are so many ways you can get back at Grayquill without biting him(Don't tell him I told you so).. Biting him will just spoil your reputation besides leaving a bad taste in your mouth.

For starters you could do your business on his car...You could run in from the garden after stepping on wet mud and then lovingly greet him by placing your front paws on his chest and then you can innocently pee on him...You know as a sign of uncontrollable love and affection...Slobber all over his shirt maybe...

Feel free to drop over my blog sometime Max Aswell....Be a good boy :)

Hilary said...

Gotta love the name Max Aswell.. and just listen to you.. talking in doggie voice. ;)

Anonymous said...

I truly enjoyed hearing Max Aswell's comments. And yes, that was a pretty smart picture aswell. But hey my one daughter only cried a little bit, until she saw what was in the loaf. But I do have to admit, making your kids over react to having their expectations crushed, like a cigarette on the sidewalk, is pretty fun when they find out all there expectations were actually exceeded. God knows my kids have made me cry often enough over crushed expectations, somehow it just seems right and fair.

Grayquill said...

Blunt edges: Max talks tougher than he is but I always have my guard up.

Bill S: Thanks for stopping by – Loved your blog – four daughters? Ouch! Marrying them off had cost you.

Arkansas Patti: Max is kind of pushy I wouldn’t say I let him. Thanks!

Dianne: You are being extra bad giving Max ideas – I hope it’s not sharp.

Peggy: I am sorry for your loss. Labs have quite amazing personalities. They aren’t exactly indifferent to their owners –very affectionate animals Aye?

The Survivor: Thank you! I love compliments.

Choco: Hmmm… give her a little space to write and look out – her creativity flood gates spring wide open. I am sending you my cleaning bill for all the new ideas Max now has. BTW – I’ll take dog pee over cat pee any day. Curious, did Lucy give you that bit of sage wisdom after an episode of Choco baby talk?

Hilary: Even Grayquill thinks Max Aswell is a real fine dog. I agree the name fits perfectly.

Anonymous Abe: Gee that has a ring – sounds a bit like Honest Abe. My kids have many great memories because of you – Thanks from me and them – Revenge – I’m with you, meet you at the fort. I am glad Mr. Aswell’s word did not disappoint.

Debra said...

Hello Max Aswell, nice to meet you! Look forward to hearing more stories!

silverine said... are one brave dog! Grayquill is indeed a mean 'un! Waiting for your next post!

Grayquill said...

Debra: Hello back at ya, and nice to meet you too you like yellow labs? That's what Abe tells me I am. I saw a poodle once - horrid creatures. You don't have a poodle do you? Guess what I just said would be in poor taste if you do...

Silverline: Don't worry Silverline I think I am safe. I have a whole arsenal of new weapons; thanks to Choco she’s pretty clever of a human.

Michele Mallory-Davidson said...

OH MY GOSH! This post reminded me of when I was 13 and wanted a stereo for Christmas, my dad would say, "Oreos, all you want is Oreos?" So it's Christmas morn and there is a HUGE package, I rip off the wrapping, the box says Panasonic, I rip open the box, and...a package of OREOS!! AHHH! Dad had set up my new stereo in the other room! Cruel, I tell you! I thought my dad would wet himself. Grayquill are you sure you aren't a long lost uncle of mine?
And Max I love how you related the story of Grayquills cruel trick!

Grayquill said...

Michele: Your writing even in a comment is fun to read. I can see your hands moving, hear the cadence in your voice going up and down, the energy as if you were speaking is felt. All that coming through onto the page.
I might not be a lost uncle but I could be a cousin. I have 62 first cousins just on my mom's side and many live in your neck of the woods. Good trick by your dad. How's Este (sp?) going?

Anonymous said...

Wow...You have experience with both dog and cat pee!?! :o
Hats off to you...On what points do you think dog pee is better, Oh Wise One?

PS: I told Lucy about your preference and she is one madly happy adopted city mongrel now. :)

Grayquill said...

Choco: You always make me laugh...let me explain cat pee vs. dog pee – I can’t believe you don’t know the difference.
I do not even remember why we had our cat on this ride. Maybe it was a vet trip. Our cat at that time, Skippy (who later became coyote or raccoon food), was lying on his side. His bladder was ready to burst unbeknownst to us humans. Well Skippy decided he had held it long enough and let loose. The steady stream went from child to floor. Shrieking ensued by all parties – level headed oldest daughter took it all in stride. She flipped the lid of her mostly finished soft drink off and held the cup under the stream catching the balance of Skippy’s bladder. Oldest daughter was a hero! The problem was the part before oldest daughter’s genius took effect soaked deep into the carpet and the seat. I tried shampoo, scent killer but on a hot day that cat pee stunk up the car horribly – finally I gave up and dropped that vehicle off at the scrap metal yard. I know now twenty years later in some land fill 40 or 50 feet below the surface lies a seat and carpet just waiting for its dirt seal to open up and allow the stench to be relaease and contaminate the planet. Dog pee would never do that.
Hey, Lucy have you had any fun chasing Choco's cat around the block lately?

Grayquill said...

Choco: One last thing - Cat pee is so toxic even cats know to cover it up. Dog's pee just happily fertilizes the shrubs and fire hydrants.
Dog very green - Cat pee hazardous waste

Anonymous said...

Now don't be mean..Choco does not have a cat anymore...Remember?.. :(

Besides Choco's cat used to walk on a leash..a red one...And he used to meow (quite ferociously I thought) at Lucy from the window...Lucy says, he (yes his owners are mad) just hoped, in vain, that he could get his paws on Pooffy some day...

So sad about Skippy though...Don't you think it was commendable that he held it in as long as he did? He should get credit for that...

& Grayquill
It was not the cat pee that stunk up your car seat...The cat pee simply allowed all the dried up dirt, stains, gases and the like to liquefy once again and give out their combined stench...Thank the cat for making you throw out such a bacteria ridden old car :P

Sylvia K said...

Well, I have to say that Max writes a hell of a story -- definitely has a personality! Our two would love to meet him, but I think I'll make sure that doesn't happen -- I have enough problems with them as it is! They don't need anymore ideas!! Fun post! particularly for this gray and rainy holiday weekend! Why now?, I ask.
The grayest, wettest days we've had all summer were the week of my birthday and now Labor Day! Great timing!

Grayquill said...

Choco: I'm almost old - how do you expect me to remember such things. Why have you not gotten a new cat? Your case about bacteria - sorry that's just all wet. Bacteria smell is way different Cat is unique and horrid.

Sylvia: Happy Birthday! Max loves other dogs - I think he has a new brother or sister - he will no longer be lonely.

Anita Jeyan said...

Wow Max, you sure seem to have a grudge against Grayquill.. but there is more you can do without biting him. :D Grayquill sure feels more for his kids than Max Aswell and his kind! Now dont bite me.!

Grayquill said...

Anita: Yeah Grayquill likes his kids a lot - I don't hold that against him. Grayquill irritates me mostly when he gets in between me and Abe, I know that sounds kind of selfish.