Thursday, December 31, 2009

Mr. Blunt Edges I think I Hate You

Sometime back, Mr. Blunt Edges tagged me and gave my blog an award. Thanks, I guess. Normally I don’t respond to these tags and this one has taken me a bit of time. Mainly I think these tags are boring but the biggest reason I haven’t done one, they seem like way to much work. I really can’t explain why Mr. Edges was able to manipulate me into doing this but I have decided to spend zero energy in trying to analyze his ploy further. I will do the sevenpart of the tag – but I gotta tell you, I am bit cranky about it.
Here goes… Seven things you don’t know about me.
1) Unlike Blunt Edges I am not an Atheist – Opps I guess maybe you knew that already about me. Even so, I am not changing my number one, it will remain.
2) Like Mr. Edges – I hate kids. I can remember worrying before I had kids if I would like them. Since then I have discovered for the most part kids are great once I bond with them or have some kind of connection. But, if you and your kid are in front of me in line at the grocery store I will pretty much hate you and your kid unless said kids are well behaved.
3) I am Blunt Edges 49th and maybe his 50th follower. Thank you – no applause is necessary.
4) I am a morning person – and have been known to jump up and down on the bed singing, “get up, get up, get out of your bed and open up your eyes and see the shinny skies.” All in an effort to wake up Mrs. Grayquill so we can play – FYI: this tactic has never been successful and I have not tried the tactic for years. Hmmm….maybe I give it another spin, who knows...maybe it will work out better for me after all these years. I wonder if I still have the talent of jumping and singing at the same time?
5) I am with Blunt Edges words – “can’t figure out why, the world’s crazy over Angelina Jolie. Ok, she acts well, but sexiest lady in the world? NO WAY!” BTW: Mr. Edges - The sexist woman would be Mrs. Grayquill of course.
6) I have a weird habit of NOT noticing minute details in movies like. For example, according to Blunt Edges, did you know that in Rang De Basanti (that must be a movie), Karan’s (played by Siddharth) character’s first and last line in the movie (oh, it is a movie) is ‘Nautanki Saala’ – - - Who would be so weird to notice such things? Could his initials be B.E.? I think us folks in the USA are missing some good movies.
7) I take complete credit for ‘converting’ Blunt Edges to writing with complete words on his blog; at least upon occasion. Yesiknowotherspliedtheirencouragementtohimbutwearenotcountingthoseeffortsforthisscenario.
Well now I have completed a tag and it will be a cold day in a very hot place before I ever do this again … Blunt Edges I think I hate you.

Monday, December 21, 2009

A Child's Christmas List

Four year old little B could hardly sit still while her mommy braided her hair. She was so excited, any moment her daddy would be home from work and they were going Christmas shopping for her mommy, four aunts and two grandmas. In her pocket was a clear zip-lock baggie that contained her life savings, $1.65. All day as the ideas popped into B’s head, out they came, “maybe I will get you a new pair of shoes mommy or maybe a new coat, would you like a new dress mommy? I know… a new purse – maybe I will get you a blue one.
Grayquill did not know this shopping expedition included the Aunts and Grandmas. If he had known such a monstrous task was before him it is unlikely his excitement would have matched his daughters’ enthusiasm. Mrs. Grayquill stood watching at the window, worry lines pressed her lips as the two drove off.
“B, have you thought what store you want to go to first?”
“A store that has slippers and purses; I think I will get mommy a blue purse and maybe I will get slippers for grandma and maybe a shirt for Aunt T and Aunt B”
Grayquill was not caught off guard seeing that a four year old does not exactly have a perfect concept of money. “B, a new purse will be pretty expensive, I don’t think you will have enough money for a purse.” B didn’t even hear her daddy’s words. Her excitement continued rattling off who and what different people would get.
Grayquill pulled the car into a parking spot and soon they were inside a large department store. Grayquill decided he would have to show B she did not have the funds for her large list. Arriving after sometime in front of the purses they began perusing the choices. “B, let me see your money.” B pulled out her little bag of money. “See this purse B? If you had 10 bags of money just like this one, you would not have enough money to buy this purse.” B, was quiet for a minute the wheels spinning.
“Okay…Maybe I will get slippers for mommy, let’s go look at slippers.” Off the two went to look for slippers. Here the exercise was repeated. “B, you will need 6 bags of money to buy these slippers. I think we should go to the Dollar Store, maybe we can find something nice for your mom there.”
B, was up for that idea because the Dollar Store was one of her favorite stores. Arriving, they worked their way up and down the aisles. Soon B found a little glass horse that she thought her Aunt T would like. “B, if you buy that for your Aunt T, you will not be able to buy your mother a present here, you see you need 4 bags of money to buy something at this store for everyone on your list. Maybe you should just buy your mom something and for your grandmas and aunts, maybe you could paint them a picture.” B, shook her head in a firm no but she slowly put the glass horse back on the shelf. B’s eyes starred down at the floor and without another word B turned and Grayquill followed his little daughter out of the store.
Back in the car Grayquill was at a loss where to go next. Finally in desperation, Grayquill pulled into a large drug store. This store had some small trinkets and it was a good place to buy filler for the stockings. Maybe here they could find something. Up and down the aisles they walked. After leaving the last store B’s mood had become much more serious and she had stopped talking unless spoken to. She was realizing her $1.65 was not going to buy even one of the nice gifts she had envisioned let alone gifts for her aunts and grandmas. Grayquill looked at her and at one point thought she was going to cry.
After several more conversations about not enough money the two once again started up isle number three. A shelf held some small tea candles on sale, 10 for a dollar in several different colors. “B, what about candles, you know how your mother likes candles. You have enough money for candles and you even have enough money so that you could buy candles for your grandmas and aunts.” For a minute B just stood there staring. Grayquill held his breath because if this didn’t work he didn’t know what he would do.
A long silence went by, then B said, “Blue ones for mommy, Aunt T likes yellow, Grandma B, white,” and carefully B started stacking and laying out the small candles in neat rows. When she was done she had seven rows, colors separated, all tallied and organized for the chosen recipient. Some got only one candle but her mommy got 5. The excitement and energy had returned. B told the cashier all about who the candles were for and how she was buying these with her own money. B laid all of her coins out on the counter and when it was all said and done, B had 6 cents left.
On the way home, Grayquill gave final instructions, “B, now don’t tell your mom what you bought her, it needs to be a secret, that way you mommy will be so surprised when she opens her gifts. Can you keep it a secret?”
Immediately upon arriving home, B with the package under her arm rushed into the house. She yelled running past her mom toward her bedroom, “I got you a present mommy, I can’t tell you what color the candles are.”

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Lazy Bad Men

Men being bad and lazy come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. This morning at breakfast with the guys, conversation rolled along and at some point stories began being tossed back and forth of times when money was tight, creativity was fresh and boundaries of impropriety did not hold back less than impeccable conduct – all in the effort to make a lady think fondly of us men.
Here are a few highlights - - -
#1 Flowers for his lady from the dumpster behind the neighborhood flower shop – Friday the old flowers went in the dumpster and the new flowers arrived. This is my second favorite, it is almost brilliant!
#2 Flowers from the cemetery. After all – the poor soul has little or no use for them. If one looks carefully the flowers can be fairly fresh and FREE! Hmmm… I have a cemetery close by.
#3 This idea seemed good on the surface but ended badly for the husband. A man bought a contract from a flower company to have flowers delivered every Monday for a year to his wife. By week three she was board and the flowers were meaningless. He planned ahead but lost the benefit of, “Oh! You thought of me, you think I am special,” factor. There is also the, “I am no more important than something to be checked off your list.” This particular case won the bone head award – First he spent all that money and got nothing from it – reason enough to push it to the top of things never to do list.
#4 Valentine’s day – The gift was bought the day before Valentine’s Day but only because he happened to stop at an intersection where a guy was selling stuff alongside the road and it was convenient – her comment with almost tears in her eyes, “you planned ahead” – correct male response – smile and nod.
#5 The best way to buy your lady a gift – call the sales lady at your wife’s favorite store. Give the sales lady a price range, ask her to pick something out, wrap it, and request it be left with the door man. This way you can get said gift without actually going into a store or mall and maybe without even getting out of your car. Excellent time management and was deemed likely to have a high success ratio with the ladies. Think about it - Its wrapped and will probably even have ribbon or a bow on it somewhere. This will even work for the procrastinator.
Ahhh…Christmas is just around the corner. What should I do?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Bright Side of Blogging

I had a new insight this morning about the bright side of blogging. I find I like what I write a whole lot more than most, and why wouldn’t I? After all think about it – who can write to my level better than myself? Probably no one. If I write a joke, I totally get it. In fact it is very possible I will have a full 100% belly laugh over it.
My wife laughs at me sometimes, she says, “you think you are so funny.” She says she doesn’t know anyone who can entertain himself better. I could get a bit cranky from a comment like that or on the other hand I might view it as a compliment; see how good I am at avoiding conflict?
After all why should she get my jokes – first off she’s a woman and that creates the first barrier; second she is a brainiac – barrier number 2; third she doesn’t get to spin around in my head and have all my thoughts – thus we now have barrier number 3. Gee I am beginning to wonder how we get along at all. I guess this will have to remain one of life’s mysteries, and one of those things that are just better to accept. I am finding more and more of these things as I get older. D’OH!
Speaking of getting older, there is another benefit to writing stuff down. At some point I will probably forget everything I have written. That might be okay since then I will be able to begin reading my old writings, they will all seem like brand new material – now that’s a bonus. See??? You didn’t think of that did you? Pretty cool even if I do say myself.
Well that’s all I got but it is something to think about. Just so you know I had two great belly laughs from these 322 words. I bet you didn’t – HA! My point is proven.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tactical Error

When dating my wife to be, she had a Volkswagen bug. In the short time she had it, I seemed to always be working on it. I think the little car went through 2 accidents maybe three. I know I replace the trunk/hood and left rear fender, and she drove it with dark gray primer on the hood and fender until it ceased to exist.
Now if there are any young men out their reading this, it is time to pay attention. This little car I really despised, it was the most unreliable car I had ever encountered. One day she called me very upset. “Hi Grayquill, I got in a car accident.”
Young men are you paying attention? Here it is….Never, I mean never forget this advice – the words you are to say when encountering such a moment are, “I am so sorry, are you okay?” It is best to say these words with deep conviction and concern in your voice. Those words will communicate comfort, concern, and care. What not to say first is, “Is the car totaled?” This is an off the chart tactical error. I think this started our first big fight.
My male logic tried to explain, “Why are you so upset? I heard your voice and you sounded strong and healthy. So, why would I think you were hurt?”
It all made perfect sense to me but this was one of those times when logic was totally useless. I mean if her sister had called me and told me my finance had been in a car accident. Then of course I would have reasoned immediately she might have been hurt. But gosh darn it, she called me! And she sounded quite healthy. I think it is just wrong that I was able to get into so much trouble with so little effort. I wasn’t even trying to be bad. In fact I was trying to be good.
To make matters worse a few years later after we were married I repeated this folly. Why, why? Why was I not able to learn from the first episode?
Life is such a mystery.