Thursday, October 22, 2009

Poodle Dos

Have I told you the poodle do yarn? It was really my wife’s dog and I cared nothing about it. In fact I pretty much came close to hating the mutt.
Between the crapping, peeing and attacking me every time I wanted any physical affection… NO! - Not from the dog, Duh! From my wife! I pretty much wanted to kill the pesky animal.
I could go on and on about how this dog continually notched up high marks on my grief scale but for now we will focus on grooming. Back in the early 70’s it was $45.00 to get the rat-ish animal groomed. The long and the short of the story is money got tight and the dog got matted and began looking more pathetic than normal.
I decided to clip the beast myself. I only had a scissors. . .
Arkansas Patti is probably gonna track me down and kill me after she reads this . . . . . Out of self preservation we will minimize things a bit and say I nicked the poor creature a few times. Yes, a bit of blood was shed but it wasn’t bad no stitches were required. I finally did give up and stopped the massacre, worrying the sad little living thing would soon be a sad little dead thing.
The next day at the office, the phone rings. “Hello”
“Mr. Grayquill?”
“Yes, this is Grayquill.”
“My name is Mrs. Anderson from the Animal Protection Division of the Seattle Police department. Do you have a dog named Barkley?”
“Uhh… No, my wife does though.”
“Yes, cough... has Barkley been injured lately?”
“Uhh…” It is amazing the number of thoughts that can pass through ones mind in a millisecond. 'The scabbed up poodle flashed across the big TV screen in my brain.' 'What does this lady know?' 'Who ratted me out?' 'Yikes, I could be in some real trouble here.'
“…Uhh, no not injured - not really. Why do you ask?” Lying almost never works-why do us humans fall into it so quickly. Who taught me to do that anyway?
The lady began confirming all the information about where I lived, what the dogs name was, and wanted to setup an appointment to inspect the animal.
About the time I was becoming contrite the lady on the phone broke into laughter – it was my sister in law – Pathetic! Real funny – Ha Ha Ha… Now thirty years later she still laughs at how she got me. Can you believe it? She really thinks she had me all worried and scared. I of course keep telling her the truth, how I knew it was her the whole time and I was just playing along with her. Wouldn’t you think by now she would believe me? After all it’s me, Grayquill.
Just so you know the dog healed and my dog grooming career ended (mostly).
“Grayquill - step away from the scissors.”
“Who is that? – Is that you
Arkansas Patti?”


Ashley said...

OH! The poor little thing! :(

My heart goes out to the little poodle **sniff** with unkempt fur, no name and bleeding skin **breaks to look for tissues** And to top it off he had to share his abode and his mistress with Grayquill...Oh! The horror!**Wail** :p

poorni said...

hahaha...i can understand ur plight.amazing.had a good laugh

Arkansas Patti said...

WHAT A BEAST. Yes YOU, not the dog. Seriously that was just too funny. I have "tried" that very thing. They just don't hold still do they? Groomers do earn their money. I pay willingly these days.
I really have to love your SIL. You deserve her in your life.
Thanks for the link GQ. Your blog is always like a box of chocolates. Never know what I will find but you always entertain :)

Valerie said...

No wonder you get nominated for great posts. This one is a beauty. Alternately I cringed and laughed. I remember both my dogs hated hubs and me getting together. I think they're jealous.

Tall Guy said...

Hope the attacks have not increased since the grooming session went bad :)

Amrita said...

Hi GQ love your stories.Poor puppy.
Actually I have hated a stray dog enough to attempt to kill it but it survived my feeble attack - just confessing. It bothers me still.I try to ignore him.

Diwakar Sinha said...

Haha.. :D

Anita Jeyan said...

Hey seem to grow younger by the day... your writing shows a massive turnaround and its humorous now!
I simply loved this one!
By the way...I love dogs:) Pls dont groom them :)

betty said...

Your SIL really got you good. Reminds me of a telephone joke I played on someone once. Maybe I'll blog about it some day.

Lynda G. said...

HAHA! I'm with Arkansas Patti! Step away from those scissors! Poor dog. You should have evened the playing field and let that little poodle cut your hair! ;)

Grayquill said...

Ashley: You think you really funny don’t you ? HA HA… well you did give me a laugh. Unless of course you are truly heartbroken; if that is the case I give you comfort – the dog died.

Poorni: Thank you for understanding – I was beginning to feel so lonely. Thanks for stopping by.

Arkansas Patti: I feel scolded and disciplined. I have a bunch of sister law stories but she says, “NO!!!!” One these days though when see isn’t looking – it will be a full fledged gossip fest.

Valerie: Do tell Valerie – I want to hear the jealous dog stories. Thanks for the kind words and stopping by.

The Survivor: The dog died – YES!

Amrita: That sounds like an interesting story – We all have things we regret, part of living I guess.

Diwakar Sinha: I am glad you got a laugh – thanks for the comment!

Anita: I am glad you enjoyed the post. Feel comfort I have no dog - they are safe.

Betty: Shhh….don’t say that to loud my SIL might read this and actually get some satisfaction.
I will be watching for that post.

Lynda G: Sorry, I will not be playing fair – it ain’t happening. You can wish and hope if you want but its wasted energy :))

Holly Kay said...

I have never laughed so long at such a horrible thing...I can't figure out why this story is so funny. Maybe it's the really good prank phone call...not sure. Poor doggie.

Dianne said...

Wanna come try to groom a couple of cats? You'll be loving poodles in no time

Blunt Edges said...

if dog-grooming results in such wonderful stories, start a grooming shop grayquill!!! let the dogs face the brunt ;)

Grayquill said...

Holly Kay: I don’t know what you are laughing about – it’s not funny! Not even a little bit; especially the part about the phone call :)

Dianne: I wouldn’t try a cat unless I had it hog tied and gagged. Even then I would want thick leather arm bands, protective eye goggles and chest armor.

Blunt Edges: Did you mean blunt? As in edges?