Sunday, September 13, 2009

From Gray to Color

Sitting with a blank screen in front of me I looked up to this scene, sunlight glistening reflecting a spectrum of color, a faint wisp of a breeze came by greeting my face, birds here and there are belting out their cords. It is a peaceful morning.
“I found your new home, you need to come right now! “ Those were the words of my brother and realtor almost 20 years ago. Jumping into my car I was off in a flash but with dubious expectations. Houses were selling faster than hotcakes at a fireman’s fundraiser. When a good one came up you had to be ready to act or it was gone.
A few months earlier tragedy had struck my family. My wife and I decided a change in scenery was part of what was needed. We had been looking for a new home for a good two months. I knew instantly this was a great deal and would serve the purpose.
When tragedy came I railed at God with blame, irrational thoughts and words I am glad He forgives. At the time I was plodding through the days in anger, just doing what I could, hoping it was the right thing. Who knows how to wade through deep loss and grief? Who knows how to bandage up deep emotional wounds? What husband and father understands what is the right way to take his family? I for sure did not. Hurt this deep and this horrific was beyond any man’s understanding to fix, but my wife and I knew doing nothing would not serve us well. I can still remember thinking, ‘getting a new house might help’. She seemed to know more instinctual the right way to go. During those beginning months I followed her lead more than I really want to admit. A man likes to think he is the strong one and the leader but it was her.
Now looking back I can see the many ways God was caring and orchestrating circumstances that went beyond mere coincidences. Each one alone was easily explained away as a lucky moment but the composite made God’s love and work shine through like the morning sun. This home was one of his brush strokes in His masterpiece of healing. What makes it unique is the beautiful spot it sits. Friends and family marvel at the peacefulness; the beauty strikes their eyes shocking their senses. I did not see the beauty of the place when we bought it. My slogging from day to day had eliminated color, the best way I can describe it, the world was a drab gray.

I believe now, what a man may not be conscious of, his subconscious takes in. God used the beauty of his creation over and over to shout at me, “I am good.” My conscious mind would hear none of it but my subconscious was soaking it in.
I can still remember the day I saw color again. It struck me in a quiet way while I was driving down the road. It was a moment much like this morning when the shades of green reflected off leaves, branches, and bark from the morning sun. It had been so long since I had seen color I was struck by that moment. All through the day and into the next I kept recalling the beauty - I was healing.
Do you have deep hurt or deep loss you are carrying? May I suggest? Find the beauty of God’s creation and let him shout out to you, “I am still good.” His ways are higher than man’s ways he cares for you beyond what we can think or imagine and underneath are his everlasting arms.
Jesus says in the scripture, “Come unto me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” ~Matthew 11:28-29 NIV


Blunt Edges said...

quite not sure what i should this is all i can come up with :D

n yup the caps in the comment of the last post was 2 indicate that its a strong belief!

Lynda G. said...

Thank you for such a beautiful and honest post. I am sorry for your tragedy. My life too has been touched by tragic and sad circumstances, enough that I spent many years in a total funk, perhaps depression, which was not diagnosed because I kept it to myself. In many ways it is as if those years did not exist. I did not see color or much of anything around me, unfortunately. I just went through the motions, trying to cope. It's so easy to blame, isn't it? When I realized that there was a whole life to live and that I had to have faith that things will improve...everything changed. I always believed that things happen for a reason. It just took time to see those reasons.
Thank you for reminding me how far I have come and what is truly important.
May you always see color.

Sylvia K said...

I'm sorry for your tragedy, too. While I haven't suffered as great a loss as yours, I am no stranger to pain and I have/do struggle still with some of it. But I have also finally been able to see the colors of a beautiful world -- it does take time and faith but once you find it you're never alone -- even when you forget now and then, it's temporary.

And, yes, may you always see the colors of your world.

Rose said...

I am overwhelmed by the absolute depths of your soul I felt in reading this. The sadness and the joy of knowing you made it through tragedy only to discover God was there all along, shaping your life little by little till he could reveal the beauty that was surrounding you. Having experienced more tragedy in my life than I care to remember, I also remember in the quite times, God was speaking "I am here!" I know of no other way to get through than be guiding by the gentle loving hand of the Father!Thank you for sharing this beautiful story of restoration. God bless you.

Debra said...

So happy your seeing color now. I've visited those gray places a time or two. Have also been at a place where I was angry at God. Terrible, terrible place to find yourself. Thankfully, it was only for a brief moment. As always, Grayquill, beautifully and thoughtfully written.
Blessings dear friend.

Grayquill said...

Blunt edges: You’re the best!

Lynda G: Thanks for the nice comment.

Sylvia K: Great reminder and great comment.

Rose: Thank you

Debra: Blessing back at you and thank you for your thoughtful comment.

Arkansas Patti said...

Such a sad yet beautiful post. I am so sorry for what took the color out of your world. Pain that deep is hard to live through. I am so glad you have had the color, beauty and reason return to your life.

Dianne said...

I often take immense comfort in nature
the crickets at night make me smile, the birds in the morning greet a new day where all is possible

you're a good soul my friend, this was yet another heartfelt post
eloquent and genuine

Blunt Edges said...

that i am :D:D:D

Anonymous said...

I am just happy that you are past all that...Nature can be very comforting...I picture the beach every time I am low..

Anonymous said...

& Awwww...Thanks for the lovely words in the last post..I don't believe half of that..But it is always nice to hear nice things.. :)

Grayquill said...

Arkansas Patti: That is a very nice comment – Thank you.

Dianne: No crickets here but we got frogs – Thank you!

Blunt Edges: An you’re the first one to tell us:)) And why wouldn’t you be.

Choco: Water is quite amazing…Thanks and your welcome.

Amrita said...

Grayquill, your posts are so profound and expressive, my heart is drawn towards them.

Hilary said...

Nature does indeed have a way of soothing.. whether we realize it or not.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tall Guy said...

This was a nice post :)

Anita Jeyan said...

The colors were always there, but God had to intervene to open your eyes! He is great! By the way, excellent post. Even I've been staying away from church for a few months in certain trying situations.. but I came running back to Him after that :-)

Anonymous said...

Really sorry about the tragedy your family had to go through. I'm glad you all have made your peace with it. Reading this post was like a balm - thank you so much and God bless you all. :-)

Grayquill said...

Amrita: Wow…high praise! I am taken back, Thank you!

Hillary: Very well said and good insight. Thanks

The Survivor: Thank you!

Anita: Good work! Thank you for your comment and kind words.

Thethoughfultrain: Thank you for your very considerate comment.

Roxane B. Salonen said...

Grayquill, I'm sure you felt like Job during your time of tragedy. There have been moments when I have drawn that parallel in my own life. But God will always provide grace, if we but look to find it. It seems He offered it to you in the form of this beautiful place of residence and its surroundings. What a blessing! But even better that you recognize it for the gift it is.

Grayquill said...

Roxanne: Hinesight is 20-20

Mustbe Gettingold said...

This is beautiful. I can relate completely. I think every time something major happens I seek solace in place. I remember house hunting when I was planning to leave my marriage. I was continuously drawn to cabins in wooded settings. Such a difficult emotion; a mixture of beauty, peace, simplicity, sadness, and hope. But the thing that was missing there that was present in the place I was leaving? Anger. It was fine to take the sadness, as long as I could leave the anger behind.