Monday, August 10, 2009

This Pain in my Stomach

This pain in my stomach just would not go away. I was sitting more and had gained about 5 pounds since starting this new job - okay, maybe it was 10 lbs. Off to the doctor I went – I hadn’t had a physical for sometime so I figured to hit both the stomach pain and the physical together.
Doc listened to my complaint, took blood, pushed, prodded, scheduled me for a CAT scan, then an MRI. The MRI showed a growth on my liver about 2 inches long. Doc scheduled me for a biopsy. Growth ended up being nothing but a birth mark. I bet you don’t have one of those.
Doc sent me to a specialist, a gastrologist, he did all the nasty things and I do mean nasty things gastrologists do to check for stomach pain. He found nothing. So far I figured all the tests and appointments had ran the Grayquill bill up to just under $10,000 dollars. Doc Specialist said it could be a spastic colon and I should try staying away from nuts and berries with seeds.
Being a typical guy, I need to fix things. I figured these Doctors should have some help. For several weeks I had been pondering the problem, after all I was the one with the pain. It seemed to hurt more when I was sitting. Doc Specialist was leaning over his paper work writing notes, this is when I thought it was probably the best time to help out the Doctor. “Doc, do you think this pain could be caused by my pants being too tight?”
You would have thought I shot him with a spit wade the way his head jerked up. Calmly he set his pen on the counter. He turned and faced me. “Well how tight are they?”
Now how do you answer a question like that? There are no qualifiers to the question. How does one measure tightness? It’s not like I can say, “Well Doc, the pants upon exhaling after snapping is 22 psi.” or “The thrust force upon coughing is 38 psi.” I mean sure there is probably some engineer somewhere who could figure out a definitive answer to how tight my pants were. But, I am just an average Joe. I barely understand what psi is. In the end I mumbled some pathetic answer and Doc found another reason to touch me by measuring the pant tightness factor with the true scientific method of inserting his finger around the waist band of my pants. Well scientific or not we now had a diagnosis.
“Go buy some new pants.”
Of course I did and within a week I felt much better.
So, word to the wise, if you have stomach pain before going to the doctor and running up thousands of dollars in doctor bills, buy some new pants.
YES! Finally, a post that serves the public good, I feel so much like a humanitarian at this moment. No thank-you’s needed – You are all very welcome. D’OH!


Arkansas Patti said...

Well you had me roped in and really concerned, then I just had to laugh. Terribly expensive trip you took, but look at all the "all clears" you got along the way.
I discovered the elastic waistband years ago so I am surely spared your particular journey.
How good of you to share though for you can't be the only one. Great public service Grayquill.

As the Mind Meanders said...

Old Engligh Saying: How many experts does it take to change a lightbulb

New English Saying: How many doctors does it take to change a trouser...

Anonymous said...

Wowie...I would never admit something like that on a public forum..Men are really brave..A certain one that I know ripped his pants while doing something and would not admit that it was cause his pants were too tight and guess what? wasn't even embarrassed! I wish I could yap about it on my blog without worrying about repercussions...(sigh)

By the by have you considered "maternity pants"? They are wonderful for people with fluctuating weight I have heard ....heheheh :)

Amrita said...

That was really funny GQ. You were in a tight spot.

Anita Jeyan said...

Bravo! Good post...! hihi.. :-)Could've bought so may trousers with that bill amount, huh?? No worries... at last, you are fine and at peace :-)

Betty said...

It takes a brave man to admit that he is getting too big for his britches.

Holly Kay said...

HA HA! Humanitarian you are. Very, very funny post!(And also helpful and humanitarian, as you mentioned.)

Grayquill said...

Hey – everyone, you all had just a little to much fun commenting.

Arkansas Patti: Elastic Waistband I refuse! – well I have to admit my fat boy sweats are pretty comfortable. Even though I said no thank you’s needed I do like them.

Mr. Mind Meanders: You are so very clever. I counted just five doctors, but the number of nurses needed, now that was a bunch.

Choco: NO!!! I have not considered maternity pants, Thank you very much!
About the brave thing – my wife would say, “You know Grayquill just because you think it, does not mean you have to say it.”
About repercussions – What’s the worst that can happen?
When you’re older – image might not be as important as it use to be.
Why are you so mean to me?

Amrita: Well I am not sure going up a pant size is very GQ but okay.
Very funny, in a tight spot – everybody is turning into a comedian. I am glad you found it funny – Heck, I can be driving down the road and think about this and get a good 15 second belly laugh myself.
Thanks for stopping by!

Anita: I wouldn’t have even had to shop on the clearance rack. And, at peace? Hmmm… well at least I'm not in pain.

Betty: Your get the most cleaver snippet award – That’s a pretty good come back comment, too big for your britches. I wish I would have thought of it. I think it would have made a great concluding line. Shucks!

Holly Kay: Y- thank you! Now I gotta know how is it helpful? Is someone going shopping?

Lynda G. said...

New pants! GIGGLE! :D I need to follow this sage advice...
Thank you for your comments on my blog. It's nice to know someone out there is smiling.

Take Care,

Tall Guy said...

Quite a way to find out the need for new pants :)

Debra said...

I got nothing clever...just so happy it wasn't liver cancer! I'm a nurse, I think of all the bad stuff first!

Blunt Edges said...

hahahahaha...the mystery of the tight pants ;)

n 2 imagine how many pants u could have bought 4 $1000 :D:D:D

n what on earth is psi????

Grayquill said...

Lynda G: I am glad I could help. If you hang around and get to know me you will see that is a rarity.
Thanks for stopping by. I liked your blog.

The Survivor: It was first and I hope the last. And we wonder why health costs keep rising.

Debra: When I had my biopsy it was indeed a very sad ward to be on. I have never been treated by such kindness by nurses as I was there. That is worth a whole post on it’s own. The nurses treated me so nice it made me cry – they said it was the medicine but it wasn’t. Knowing you are a nurse has jumped the respect needle RPV 12 points. Thanks for all you do. You have an important job!

Blunt Edges: PSI – Pounds Per Square Inch. Like I said earlier I wouldn’t have even had to shop on the clearance rack for my pants..

Lynda G. said...

Thank you, again! My advice is rare too...because really, who wants advice? Typically referred to as A$$vice, if you know what I mean?! HAHA! I promise to offer a smile as often as I can, if you promise to keep reading! :D Keep writing!

Holly Kay said...

"Holly K - why thank you! Now I gotta know--why is it helpful? Is someone going shopping?"

Um, I was *joking* Grayquill. It wasn't actually helpful, just very, very funny.

Grayquill said...

Lynda G: Okay I will be looking for those smiles.

Holly Kay: Darn! I so wanted to be helpful - You kinda ruined my day. I thought maybe a new post - Shopping with Hubby or Hubby shopping with Holly would be happening soon. Of course if I mined down in your blog I would probably find both.

Joy Des Jardins said...

It seems we all owe you a great debt of gratitude GQ. Good God man, couldn't you have come up with that diagnosis before you shoveled out all that $$$? I don't whether to laugh or cry..I'm guessing you didn't either.

Anonymous said...

PSI=Pounds per square inch!?! Now that is mean...
And my apologies Grayquill..If that came across as mean..But you cannot blame us as you got us all worried with the first half of the post...I was all ready with an "I will pray for you" comment and then to my relief it turned out to be nothing! :P

Grayquill said...

Joy Des Jardins: You ask good questions. Apparently I could not come up with that diagnosis without extreme measures. I laughed mostly - Thankfully I had very good insurance.

Choco: I am touched that you were concerned about my well being. Very kind!
And, what do you mean it was nothing? I had to buy new pants and going to a store in the mall is pure agony. I normally avoid those horrible places at all costs.

Michele Mallory-Davidson said...

Shame on you for worrying me so! Big HUGE WAHOO, for making me laugh so hard! Now everytime I have a stomach pain I will be checking waistbands! I too hate malls and shopping, pure agony I agree!

Grayquill said...

Michele: Sorry - I am glad it made you laugh!
Thanks for stopping by!

A journey called Life said...

OMG OMG i was so worried first half of the post.. liver growth and all that.. so much for underestimating ur waist size..

Grayquill said...

A Journey called Life: Hmmm...underestimating my waist size. Are you teasing me and calling me fat? FYI - I only said my pants were to tight. NO more assuming :)