This pain in my stomach just would not go away. I was sitting more and had gained about 5 pounds since starting this new job - okay, maybe it was 10 lbs. Off to the doctor I went – I hadn’t had a physical for sometime so I figured to hit both the stomach pain and the physical together.
Doc listened to my complaint, took blood, pushed, prodded, scheduled me for a CAT scan, then an MRI. The MRI showed a growth on my liver about 2 inches long. Doc scheduled me for a biopsy. Growth ended up being nothing but a birth mark. I bet you don’t have one of those.
Doc sent me to a specialist, a gastrologist, he did all the nasty things and I do mean nasty things gastrologists do to check for stomach pain. He found nothing. So far I figured all the tests and appointments had ran the Grayquill bill up to just under $10,000 dollars. Doc Specialist said it could be a spastic colon and I should try staying away from nuts and berries with seeds.
Being a typical guy, I need to fix things. I figured these Doctors should have some help. For several weeks I had been pondering the problem, after all I was the one with the pain. It seemed to hurt more when I was sitting. Doc Specialist was leaning over his paper work writing notes, this is when I thought it was probably the best time to help out the Doctor. “Doc, do you think this pain could be caused by my pants being too tight?”
You would have thought I shot him with a spit wade the way his head jerked up. Calmly he set his pen on the counter. He turned and faced me. “Well how tight are they?”
Now how do you answer a question like that? There are no qualifiers to the question. How does one measure tightness? It’s not like I can say, “Well Doc, the pants upon exhaling after snapping is 22 psi.” or “The thrust force upon coughing is 38 psi.” I mean sure there is probably some engineer somewhere who could figure out a definitive answer to how tight my pants were. But, I am just an average Joe. I barely understand what psi is. In the end I mumbled some pathetic answer and Doc found another reason to touch me by measuring the pant tightness factor with the true scientific method of inserting his finger around the waist band of my pants. Well scientific or not we now had a diagnosis.
“Go buy some new pants.”
Of course I did and within a week I felt much better.
So, word to the wise, if you have stomach pain before going to the doctor and running up thousands of dollars in doctor bills, buy some new pants.
YES! Finally, a post that serves the public good, I feel so much like a humanitarian at this moment. No thank-you’s needed – You are all very welcome. D’OH!