Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Sitting Around in My Underwear

Every now and then the wife leaves on a vacation without me. No…she is not going anywhere – at least I don’t think she is – well if she is, she hasn’t told me about it. I mean she could be leaving, it’s not like she would ask my permission. I am just a husband you know and a husband in the – how do say it? It was easy when we lived in the 80’s or the 90’s, that sound just rolled off our tongues. So, what do you say now? Hmmm…maybe the 1’s? That sounds pretty dumb. It sounds so dumb I asked all the geniuses in internet land. One said the New Millennium, another said the noughties, another said the Turn of The Century, my personal favorite was “Wish we were in the 60’s”, then of course there were several that we don’t need to talk about. So, since there seems to be such a disagreement I am going to stick with the 1’s.
Now that we got that settled, I will start again. I am just a husband you know and a husband living in the 1’s who doesn’t have the…D’OH! Now I don’t know how to say this. If I say, “right to be asked” the ladies will kill me and call me a pig. Oh course all men are pigs –that was established a few postings back. Now I have no idea what I was going to write, Homer will you come help me out?
Oh yeah, I was talking about sitting around in my underwear in pure comfort. My wife does not allow me to sit around in my underwear, scratching, and farting to the beat of Wipe Out (that’s the 60’s) when she is home. Now this might seem like a tangent but it really isn’t …Have I talked about how we men need women in our lives to be the great regulator? I heard that term to describe us men the other day and I thought it was perfect. Women regulate so many things in a man’s life. Think about it, if men had their way, all men...okay, at least most men... well, for sure some men would be having sex 24/7 without any boundaries. Women regulate this behavior. The one lone nymphomaniac out there is saying, “That is not true!” Okay, so everyone can be happy; don’t most men want sex more than woman? Of course they do – isn’t it the man who is the pursuer? Yes of course he is. After all what woman does not want her man to pursue her?
You still think men don't need regulated? – well even if you are right, it doesn't matter. Women regulate and that is all there is to it. Look at gay men – who have no woman regulating them, so what do they do? You know what I am talking about, you have read the articles about gay men meeting for sex in rest stops, parks, public restrooms, bus stations, under freeway over passes and at all hours of the day or night – that is crazy behavior. Women don’t do that.
I just had an idea –maybe the government could come up with a tax incentive for lesbian women to regulate gay men. It’s perfect – it would stimulate the economy and it would make our rest stops, parks and public bathrooms safe again.
Back to my wife leaving on vacation, it has been rumored that when she leaves I will sit around the house in my underwear, scratching, watching movies, playing video games, drinking Coke and eating Ritz crackers until I fall asleep on the couch at 3 or 4 in the morning. There I will sleep a couple hours and then go to work. After several days of this behavior I am kind of a mess. When the wife is home, I never get away with such nonsense. Of course sitting around in my underwear, I have not been able to come up with how that needs to be regulated.
I use to think she was just a prude but now I can see she is fulfilling her purpose and regulating – God bless her.
They say unmarried men die several years earlier then married men. If that is true it is because they are not regulated or at least regular and of course that is another subject for another time.


As the Mind Meanders said...

35 years... are you regulated enough now :-)

Grayquill said...

Mr. Mind Meander,
Enough is not a very definitive word. What is enough? Who can judge such a thing, as enough. It is like trying to define quality – See Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. If that doesn’t help ask my wife, I am afraid my answer might require more regulating.