I will warn you right now – if you have a tendency toward bad dreams and your creep meter pegs easily.
STOP reading NOW! This is your last warning and your last chance to save yourself.
Some might say this story is proof positive that I am being warned by our creator to stop killing His small creatures – I mean rats!
It was late. Dinner with my wife at our favorite diner was now over. She was headed to the store and I headed home. As usual I drove on automatic and I let my mind run through the tasks ahead of me. I needed to start a load of laundry, maybe type out a blog post, and a must was to fill my birdfeeder, I mean rat feeder.
I arrived to a dark house and as is my usual routine I entered through the garage. Flipping on the light I then filled a container with bird seed. I headed into the house, flipped on the outside lights, slid the slider open, and went straight out into the back yard. The birdfeeder could not be seen clearly. The light faded away into the darkness of the surrounding trees and only one side of the feeder was dimly lit.
As we all know we are often held accountable for our choices. That said, some of my blogger buddies might be saying, "tut tut and this serves you right for what is to come -Your recent choices involving rat killing was ill advised." With that fact only as a side note and that no real cause and effect has been proven; I throw out that tid bit of information only in passing, as that information might be deemed important to at least one reader. Okay, maybe two.
With not an inkling of the horror awaiting me, I headed into the shadows of the dimly lit birdfeeder. I was now nearing the feeder and what I could not see on the back side in the darkness was a nasty long tailed rat stuffing his fat jowls on the remnants of my bird seed. In addition, I guess because of my uncommonly pudgy stealth, the rat was equally unaware of my approach. In blissful ignorance I began to lift my hand toward the feeder. There was no warning, no inner sense that danger was only inches away. I enclosed my hand around the bottom of the feeder. At the same instant my thumb pinched a plump incredibly alive rat. The contrast of soft fur and a horrible scratching sensation hit my thumb all in the same instant. Tearing my hand away I jumped back from the feeder. To my great shame, an incredibly loud little girl scream passed over my lips that even the neighbors heard.
Traumatized, I headed toward my house doing the Grayquill high kick dance and screaming all the way. As I looked over my shoulder I could see the demon himself on top of my birdfeeder giving me his beady eyed stare. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! The last I saw of him as I entered the house, he was headed across the rope away from the birdfeeder.
Safe in my house, my first stop was the disinfectant. I gave my hands a good scrubbing while inspecting my thumb for any broken skin. To my relief I was uninjured except for maybe my heart and a few vocal cords. The washing time was needed to begin the recovery of my manhood. Upon the completion of the scouring my courage was back and I headed straight into the back room for my Gamo rat killer. With flash light in hand, pellet gun cocked and loaded of rat, I began the Grayquill rat stalk into the back yard. Knees bent, toe to heel steps, flash light sweeping the parameter of the darkness, I searched intently for the illusive prey. I eased along slowly, toe to heel, toe to heel. My eyes glued to the end of the light beam from my 190 lumens bulb as it coated the underbrush. I really did not expect to see much but there is something within this man that needed to show the world and one particular rat that I cannot and will not be scared into a wimpy prisoner in my own house.
My journey of much stealth once again had brought me back to within inches of the first incident – the birdfeeder. To my mortification which I can only blame on my masterful intense search for the terrible little creature, I had failed to look up. Now to my complete and utter ignorance the rat had returned and was perched back on the feeder only inches from my face. Time was at a stand still. I stood there motionless scanning the dark green salal that filled the area. I cannot say it was a true feeling but a change was happening in my inner being. I know not if it was my soul, my spirit, a sixth sense, or some other outer force tying to protect or warn me. But suddenly I turned my head to the right. At that moment the rat made his move. It was a blur of gray flying fur. As I jumped, I swear that the vermin's tail flicked the edge of my beard as he passed in the shadows. At the same moment that little girl’s scream once again echoed throughout the neighborhood. It was terrible, humiliating, and worst of all emasculating. I checked my pants for wetness and it would be to embarrassing to admit my findings.
I must end my story as I think I am beginning to make myself look bad. All in all, the rat escaped, and I was yet to prove my superiority to the hideous little vermin.
That night as my head hit the pillow I could only say to myself, "this was a terrible, no good, very bad night. Tomorrow will be a new day and redemption will be possible –maybe."
Ah, those rats!! They can make or break ones day, huh!! Well, on this gray, foggy, chill day this was just the story I needed to read! The only problem was that I very nearly spewed coffee all over my desk! Good to see you online again!! Enjoy your weekend -- hope you don't run into that fellow again -- or at least with different results!!
I think I may be one of those rat advocates you mention
I would love to hear the little girl scream :)
me thinks the universe was having a conversation with you
hugs from me and Hope
This might be way out there but it's just a thought. Stop feeding them. :)
I think I would pay to hear the Grayquill girly scream and see the high kick dance.
Well glad you face was saved. Time to feed that rat some rat gritz just for it!!
Love the way you captured our need to read this story!!
I seriously laughed out loud with this one. (Yes, I'm old school. I spell it out.) The second little-girl scream must have been so humiliating. But what a funny story it made.
Hey...your sister here! I wish i could have watched this little adventure! I want to hear the little girl scream! Thinking about your last comment....Im thinking you might need to follow "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".....advice. And move to Australia! I hear they have the most poisonous snakes....maybe no rats! he he he!
Would have given a lot to have seen and heard that but thanks for the great word picture and my morning chuckle.
Just curious, why do you put birdseed out in the evening? The only thing eating in the dark is your nemesis the rat. I think you secretly like that fat furry fellow.
Sylvia: I am so happy you had a chuckle at my expense and here I thought you were my friend. Ho hum how quickly things change.
I hope you are doing well and life is being kind to you. Thanks for stopping by!
Dianne: Do you always enjoy seeing a man’s incompetence? And like Sylvia I thought you were my friend. Of all the disappointments I must face, this is most tragic.
That said, I love your visits – keep giving that little Hope more hugs and wet nasty kisses that only grandmas can give. I appreciate you!
Hillary: If you notice the picture you will be see an addition to my feeder. It works quite well keeping the seed away from the rats. I have also made the rope that holds my feeder rat proof. There will be no repeat of this horror :-) Thanks for stopping by – you always make my day a little brighter.
Heidi: Finally a friend comes by who has a clear understanding of the world. I think you are a kindred spirit – Thank you. I hope you have a great day!
Linda: I see you have joined the
Sylvia, Dianne club. Just so you know it’s not making me like you any better. I am glad you were able to take something away from this pathetic tail. I appreciate the comment! Thanks for coming by. I hope all is well in Linda’s world.
Wanda: So, this is the post that brought you into my blog world. I am warning you it’s not always a happy place. Do you see how everyone seems to be enjoying my pain? It gets pretty ugly here. As to my plagiarism – stick around you will find I need to do that regularly and often. Thanks for coming by – what a treat!
Arkansas Patti: Why do you ask me such hard and embarrassing questions? AND NO I DO NOT LIKE THOSE FURRY LITTLE CREATURES! It is so nice to see your comment! I hope your day is going well.
Tut Tut... Let the poor lil rats be GQ... Or better still... Get a cat... :p :D
Feels good to read a vintage GQ post! Tc :-)
Choco: How nice! It always makes me happy to see you came for a visit. That said, NO CAT!! And, I figured you would be one of the tut tut's, I would have been disappointed if you weren't.I hope you are doing well!
Rats scare me to the bone, rats scare me to death. Period. All I can say is, you are way too brave. I wouldn't have survived the first encounter to head over to the second. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Set out rat poison, whack it with a shovel...whatever it takes eliminate it! Can ou tell I hate rats?
So glad to hear from you again, no one writes like you and gives such reading pleasure!
I would have loved to see that... You seriously need to cowboy up! Put out a rat feeder and get rid of them, or start pack'n heat...
We are not scared of a little ole rat down here in Mississippi.
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