Sunday, February 22, 2009

Bare Stomach Volleyball...

Homer moments have come my way at times without my having a clue…
A few years back, sitting on the front row of the bleachers, waiting for my 14 year old daughter to finish her volleyball practice, I was quietly and indiscriminately reading my Louis L’Amour book. And, as you know being a father of a teenager is tiring and sleep is something we get when and where ever we can. Well I was getting sleepy and my butt was getting quite sore sitting on those wooden bleachers. There, not 20 feet away, was a carpet that had been rolled up. It looked like it would be a near perfect pillow. It called to me. So with as much stealth as a 30lb over weight 45 year old white guy can muster, I gracefully moved toward the carpet gently laying my head on it. Casually, I slid my Louis L’Amour book over my eyes and within seconds I was deep in the slumber of a beautiful dream.
Now before I proceed - there is one thing you should understand. This volleyball practice was a special practice. My daughter was getting ready to start her freshman year of high school and had been given the honor to come practice with the varsity. Needless to say my daughter was anxious to make a good first impression. Oh… I guess I should mention that she begged me to not come into her practice but that would have been crazy. Drive home, wait 20 minutes, and then drive all the way back and pick her up? That was not going to happen! Totally illogical – who would do that?
What did not come clear as I slumbered into my dream, was that as I slid down into my blissful position my sweat shirt slid up exposing about 8 to 10 inches of my 45 year old, hairy, stark white belly that had not seen sun light for several years. Everything would have been fine but the light reflected off my belly causing eye pain in one of the girls. The girl in shock and holding her eye stumbled over to my daughter, “Look at your dad!”
Well I was asleep so I cannot be sure what horror my daughter experienced at that exact moment but I do know I woke up from a not so gentle kick to the hip and a hissing voice saying, “dad wake up.”
Well let’s just say the ride home was not dream like or blissful. I belly laughed as I listened to my daughter’s rendition of the experience while she cried. Oops! – Another Homer moment.
FYI – My wife took my daughter to volleyball practice after that.
The great things about these experiences, as us men get older and the stories get retold at family functions, the stories become badges of honor. The belly laughs get to be enjoyed over and over.
What is it about us men? It seems we can’t help ourselves from seeking out such priceless moments. D’OH!


Anonymous said...

This is the funniest story I've read this year. I realize the year is short, but I might be saying the same thing come December.

I am STILL LAUGHING. Your poor daughter. Oh my gosh...this is just too funny.

Grayquill said...

Some children get no breaks in life. Sad.

Anonymous said...

It might be funny now, but it wasn't quite as funny being the mom of a crying adolescent daughter, while trying to explain to "Homer" this just wasn't acceptable behavior for the father of a teen-age girl - who couldn't stop laughing at himself.

Michele Mallory-Davidson said...

Oh Grayquill!! How could you! I am trying not to wake anyone with my laughter, after you left your comment I had to come read! I am sure at some point Kate will have this same kind of horrific experience, we'll just have to see who horrifies her first, me or John!
I must go now and try to sleep, if I can stop laughing, and not have bad dreams!
Thanks for the good chuckle, and I am sure your daughter has forgiven you. I am a Daddy's girl and seriously, for all of the silly things he did to embarrass me - the man sets the sun for me every morning! It's a part of his "charm!"
ps - I am quite certain there has to be some kind of family remind me so much of my Dad's side of the family!

Arkansas Patti said...

Popped over to sneak in amongst the porn seekers. Had to see what the story with such a title was about and it was a hoot. At least you didn't snore...did you?
Good to hear from Mrs. GQ in her "anonymous" guise. I knew there had to be another side to these funny stories.
Way to pick up the pieces Mom.