Friday, June 18, 2010

Blog Marketing

They say, a good blogger self markets his blog by linking back to other posts when appropriate. I thought I would give it a whirl and see if I could be appropriate.
It was after A Father’s Day when I Got This Pain in my Stomach. I was minding my own business, just Me being Me, when it happened.
My name is Alex, and this pain started on my Bow and Arrow Adventure. I was Traveling Along when I had a series of 17 Accidents, I know that’s a lot and quiet a Conundrum. Since then I have had time to reflect on this Tragedy. I am pretty sure all of the accidents were the result of my Mid Life Crisis.
I know you are thinking, Tell me Everything. So here goes. This little crisis all happened on the weekend that the Animal Death Policy was announced at the Super Bowl by a bunch of Lazy Bad Men who thought they had Really Big Weighty News.
When my Aunt Ruth and Uncle Carl heard about the accidents and they started Thinking and saying it was A Sign from God and that It was a Miracle, but that was a Tactical Error on their part. You see a Rat Attack rarely happens except when An Angel with Wrinkles stops by. But, it was no angel, it was just one of my Blogger Buddies who BTW is The Cool Optimist, from the reality TV show, Milk those Cows, who had recently come back from hearing a lecture where Max Aswell Speaks regularly on “Happy Marriage – Top 10 Male Traits Needed.”
If I had been more Faithful and Consistent and not been Checking Out, along with The Foolish Atheist, the hip hop group Boy’s Water and Mud, I probably wouldn’t have tripped over Bad Grayquill Working Step 5 (accident #2) that resulted in a Hole in My Sock, where my Toe Nails stuck out, and I ended up with a few more Dead Brain Cells.
Mr E who happened along about then had the nerve to ask me, “Son, Is That Shirt Dirty?”
“Well, of course it’s dirty! I just fell and landed on a Depraved Troll (accident #6). I understand Young Folks at Times Need Old Folks but seriously did he not know this was not one of those times? Did he not see this was a time when a person should be quiet, and Mow Your Own Grass? That reminds me Goldie liked rolling in the grass along with My Neighbor Jerry who was one of those Smart People – sorry for the tangent.
The way Mr. E looked at me you would have thought Uncle Thoughtful – Jujitsu Warrior, who is Crazier Than Scadit
ch, had just told A Pig Story. But, after a long stare down, Mr. E returned to his Homemade Ice Cream at Seat 13D. By then it was 12:10 AM and I saw that Mr. E’s Giant Ears had scraped the Refrigerator Doors as he looked closely at A Child’s Christmas List taped to the door facing. The list was written after A Child’s Prayer. One might ask, Why We Write such lists but that is kind of like the question, Why Fish? I know this is all beginning to sound like Random Ramblings and I am pretty sure My Great Liberal Brother is the only one who cares. So I am trying to be careful and avoid a 28 Story Misspeak and as you all know that is hard for me to avoid without my Nose Spray.
I finally went to the doctor for an xray about the pain in my side and the doc told me that Broken Ribs are Such a Pain and that I needed to cancel my Bare Stomach Volleyball tournament.

The Very Bad Scary News is now I will be Sitting Around in My Underwear and that sight will make grown Men Cry.
I could tell you more about this pain in my side but I only have So Many Stories and besides Mr. Blunt Edges - I think I Hate You. Did you see and hear that Lighting Flash and Thunder Roll? It was probably caused from some Blissful Mountain Love by a couple of Christians That Are Just Plain Irritating wearing My Hat. Hmmm…. I think It’s a Miracle and their First Kiss.
I guess this story was light on plot, so we will end strong with a great lesson. Always remember, When The Bright Side of Blogging fades and When The Path is Dark and the ladies don’t find you Handsome and Handy try some Self Dentistry and if that doesn’t work Paint the Fence.
Signing off for now but I will be back with more This and That. Hey…Where are GQ’s Glasses?
I am so embarrassed.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


You should do that first! You shouldn’t think like that! You should eat better! You shouldn’t talk like that. You should, you shouldn’t, you should, you shouldn’t…are you seeing a pattern yet? It seems all my life, if I am not shoulding on myself, someone else is.
I wonder if most human beings across this planet think like this middle class American does. Do they think they should be able to do what they want, when they want, where they want, and how they want, with who they want, and do they think, others should not be telling us what we should do, or how we should do it, or when we should do it?
When I was younger it was my elders who were shoulding on me mostly but as I grew older and became the elder, I began to take over more and more of the shoulding responsibilities. This morning is a pretty good example of this shoulding. First off let me preface my words with it was my desire this morning to either go fishing or to sit and do some writing since I haven’t made a new blog post since last Saturday nor have I gone fishing for weeks and, heck, it is not raining! Secondly, I fish best and write best in the morning, even though I usually end up writing mostly at night between naps. The mornings are my most creative times. A cup of coffee or maybe two cups of coffee does help.
This morning, even before I got the coffee started my should messages started firing at me. You should take out the garbage, you should get a load of white’s started, you should sweep – look at this dirt! You should shoot that irritating wood pecker who is not pecking wood but is in a constant screeching mode. I do need a cup of coffee, I should make my coffee first. Oh, but that is impossible because a couple of shoulds have already grown into action and I finally can see that pesky wood pecker on my second return trip from the garbage tote. I can hear that the water is now finished filling the washing machine and I should add the whites so it can be washing while I make my coffee. NO! The coffee should be making while I load the washing machine, then my coffee will be ready when I am finished loading the washing machine. What is this? Dirty dishes in the sink? Oh yeah, I ran the dishwasher last night. I should empty the dishwasher next. No, I should start my computer so it is booted up, so when the coffee is done I can start writing.
Well, here I sit writing. The woodpecker gave up its screeching to peck wood, I have a cup of coffee to my right, the whites have finished washing. I should go start them drying, the garbage is taken out, but I should really get up and unload that dishwasher. The crock pot has begun its six hour chicken cook, and I have a pile of dirt in the corner where I started the sweeping. I should stop being so lazy and get up and do a proper job of sweeping – or maybe I should just go fishing where there is no dishes, no laundry, and no floor to sweep and I could feel the sun soak into my back, and maybe, feel the strike and see my pole tip do a little splash breaking the the lake surface.
Years ago I saw a sign hanging in a friends office that said, “Don’t should on yourself.” Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t should on ourselves but if we didn’t would we ever get anything done? Maybe you would, but I am not so sure those shoulds are not my best friends.
Now I should go get that second cup of coffee.
Go ahead should on yourself if you must.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Cool Optimist

I am basically an optimist. I tell people that all the time. I might quip, ”You know, I sure am one positive fellow. Don’t you agree?” Hmmm…that single raised eyebrow, how do people do that? I think it looks really cool and I have stood in front the mirror for hours working on that raised eyebrow thing.
I also love the wink, but hours of practicing the wink have produced almost zero fruit. If I hold my right eye open with my fingers and then attempt to close my eyes. That is about my best wink.
Not being able to wink has hurt me during negotiations. One wink - go lower, two winks - ask for more services, three winks…., I don’t really remember what three winks means, besides I could never wink anyway.
Not being able to wink and make a little child feel creeped out, has never been my worry. Although there was that one time I forgot I couldn’t wink and I tried to wink at that little kid in Macdonald’s. He started crying right off and ran to his mother. The mother and the little one talked in hushed tones and that day I learned a new look. I am not sure what it meant but I thought it looked cool. I went right into the bathroom and gave it a try. Press the lips tight, squint the eyes shut just a bit – dang! I will have to try this one at home, this mirror is making my face not look cool at all. I hate Macdonald’s mirrors!
There is one look I am getting down pretty gosh darn good. I am not sure where it is on the cool factor but I think in time, most people will think it makes me look really cool. I would tell you what it is but I am kind of afraid everyone will start doing it, and I really like the idea of having my own cool look. So, if you don’t mind I won’t share it. But, if you see a really cool guy in Seattle, it is probably me. Go up and say, “Are you that really cool guy, Grayquill?”
If you find out it’s me, we will get a chance to talk a bit. But, if he says, no, hand him a card with my blog address on it – I would like a few more readers.
Is there a lesson here? Absolutely! Why wouldn’t there be? “If you are cool, run with it, but be careful not to poke your eye out.”